Out of Our Depths

Court went really well on Wednesday, we think - we were seen on time, and were probably done an hour and a half later. Everyone that was supposed to be there was there, and just a few things are needed before we receive our verbal ruling next Friday. We're praying that those things are done and that Friday's ruling is just as timely as court was.

It's been a week now that we've been a family of seven, and we're slowly entering into the hard, for everyone. But, adoption is born out of loss, and this is to be very much expected. Would you pray with us for love and peace and grace, for each of us, for building of trust and for breaking down of walls? Nothing is impossible with God, and we're believing in the great work He'll do - and is doing - in this family.

In the midst of the hard, I'm reminded of the sermon notes I took a few weeks ago - and thankful that He has prepared me for such a time as this: Discipleship "primarily involves the loving breaking of the disciple by God in a lifelong transformational journey. From awe of self to awe of God. From fear of man to fear of God. He humbles us in our areas of strength." Humbled in an area of strength. That is exactly how I feel right now.

May I remember to be thankful for this humbling, thankful that it brings me back to the One who is able. May I practice thankfulness for my shortcomings and my failures, grateful and sure that His grace is sufficient for me, that His power is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).

"Being weak makes you a cup for God's power. Being stretched thin makes you a canvas for God's glory. Being out of your depths makes you touch the depths of the Love of God." - Ann Voskamp

When it rains, it pours.

Seven days until we leave.

Seven days ago, we found out that our placing agency is closing. Has closed. That they're gone, and with them, some of the money that we've paid. $4,150, to be precise.

It was a shock and it was unsettling and it wasn't good news. But it was about money. Not children or lives or hearts, just money. No one was in the hospital and the doors to the intercountry adoption program hadn't been closed.

We're still moving forward. Independently, without an agency, but forward. With the support of family and friends and people we haven't met yet who have already become friends.

In seven days, we leave. We get on one plane, and then another, and then one more after that. We'll land in a country we've seen only in photographs and in our dreams, and the next chapter of this wonderful adventure will really begin.

And amidst all of the excitement and the nerves and the craziness leading up to our departure is this deep, steady peace. This grounding certainty that the Author of this story has everything planned out just so, and that by Him, all things - the difficult things, the frustrating things, the heartbreaking things - all things, will be worked together for our good. For our children's good.

And that $4,150? Well, He'd already taken care of that, too. Because when we looked at our budget after we'd gotten the news? There was just enough - just enough - left over between what we've budgeted for and what we have in our account. $4,164, to be precise.

Our God is in the details. Even details of the fourteen-dollar variety.

And it is all grace. This undeserved gift, that He would be in the small and the big of it, of all things.

And His grace, it has rained down on us every minute of every day. The more we stop to see it, the more we notice. That His grace, it pours out on us, lavish and wild, undeserved and unearned.

And we have only to turn our faces up as it falls, and give thanks. Always thanks, for the always-grace. 

Waiting

Our dossier arrived at its destination at the end of October, so for now we're still waiting on a court date. Last week, we were told that it may be late January or early February. While in many ways that seems so far away, we still have much to do to prepare for our travels and the huge changes that are on the horizon.

While we wait, we would so appreciate your prayers not only for us, but for our sweet boys, and for their caregivers. We know that even this time has a purpose, and we hope that this will all be, in each of our lives, for His glory.

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21)

Where We Are

Can we interrupt this several-month-long silence to tell you something?

Something really big? And exciting? And wonderful?

We have a referral.

We've known it was coming, but this morning, we got the call. And now it's official. We have a referral!

Maybe most exciting of all is that baby #2, who now has a name and a face, is really babies #1, 2, and 4. That's right. Our family doesn't just get to grow by one, but by three!

H, S, and J are three, four-and-a-half, and six-and-a-half. They have the sweetest little faces that we cannot wait to see in person. We are so excited to meet them, and are so grateful that God would entrust three more little lives to us.

We know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is where He wants us right now, and that knowledge gives us such great confidence, hope, and joy, in spite of all of the unknowns this journey holds. We're not selfless enough, loving enough, prepared enough, optimistic enough, anything-enough to do this on our own. But our God is El Shaddai - HE is more than enough.

"[We] are where [we] are for such a time as this - not to gain anything - but to risk everything." And somehow? Somehow, God is so good that really, in so many ways this hardly feels like a risk. Really, it just feels exactly right.

Nothing and Everything

These days, it seems, I have a lot and nothing at all to say, all at the same time. James has been home recuperating following his shoulder surgery (which went really well), and we have been spending lots of quality family time together. Around here, that means playing football - a lot of football, reading, creating, playing with water outside, enjoying our meals, and spending time at the playground each evening until the sun has set.

We've also had adoption on the brain more often than not, and have been spending quite a bit of time talking about all the different facets of it - of our own personal journey as a family, and of adoption in general. We're making lists and researching flights and vaccinations, and waiting. The social worker handling our home study update should have the update completed in the next few weeks, and then we'll send it off to USCIS for them to update our approval. Our referral could come at any time once the update is complete.

Have we mentioned how huge the referral is?

That email is the one that will make our hearts skip a beat and stop us right in our tracks. That'll be the email with our sweet boy's face in it, his name, his background information, his medical information. That will be the email that make things much more urgent and much more slow, so much easier and so much harder, all at the same time.

Whew. I so often imagine what that will be like and I know that I cannot even imagine it. We're full of contradictions around here.

While we wait, we're trying to put our energy into what's before us right now. We're trying to delight in the little things, which are, really, the big things. Trying to, as Ann Voskamp puts it, "Go slow. Be God-struck. Grant grace. Live Truth. Give Thanks. Love well."

On Being Parents of Two

We're only a couple of weeks into this parenting two thing, but I have to say, we're happily surprised at how smooth this transition has been. Part of it, I think, is just the confidence of having done this before and knowing that our first child has survived (so far!) and thrived. So, there's none of the worry about the little things like there was last time.

We're doing many things differently this time around. We don't look at the clock to decide if Nora needs to eat; instead, we just pay attention to how she's acting and she nurses no matter how long it's been since the last time. None of that "baby should be eating every three hours" silliness, and no writing it all down. (Did we really write down every single feeding and diaper change last time?!) This is especially helpful at night; with AJ, we had him in a pack-n-play bassinet next to our bed, and we'd both wake up every time he did. This time, Nora sleeps in our bed and I (barely) wake up whenever she needs me. I am so much more rested than I anticipated, and it is wonderful. I'm guessing she wakes up every 2.5-3.5 hours, but honestly, that's a really wild guess and I actually don't have a clue. And really, I hope to keep it that way.

As for keeping the balance between the mister and the miss, we've been trying to keep things as similar as we can to how they were before Nora was born. For us, that means not using the TV or anything as a means of occupying his attention, making sure we make time to go outside and to the park, reading together, cooking together, etc. We've been trying to make sure he's really getting our attention, eye contact and all, without overcompensating for his having to share us now. The hardest thing, I think, is keeping our language in check; we really don't want to "blame" the baby for things, as in "I can't play with you right now because Nora needs..." That, I'm finding, is much easier said than done. I've been trying to say things like "When you were a baby, I had to hold you when you were fussing, too. Now I have to do the same thing for baby Nora." I'm not sure how much more effective that will be, but for now that's the best I've come up with.

Not getting overly frustrated with our boy has been the other struggle recently. I feel like the quality of our parenting decreased right after Nora was born; fortunately, we recognized it pretty quickly - although not before the negative effects of it were already evident. Once we noticed it, though, it was pretty easy to keep our commitment to change in the forefront of our minds. I think that seeing the cause and effect so clearly - his behavior deteriorated more as our responses became less kind - has made it easier to stay focused on parenting in love, no matter what. I wish that it came naturally and didn't feel like we're swimming upstream at times, but the reality is, it's hard sometimes. I've been praying a lot for patience and love and perspective that I know I just can't cultivate on my own. Thank goodness we're not alone in this and there's Someone whose grace is sufficient to cover all of our shortcomings.

In spite of any difficulties, we know we are so blessed to spend our days with these two sweet kiddos. I can't wait to see how our family dynamic evolves over the coming weeks and months, and I hope we can remember to be grateful for each other in every moment, even - and especially - the tough ones.

35 Weeks & Thankful

35 weeks: The milestone we've designated as the point at which we'll stay home when labor starts. We'd still like baby to stay put for a few more weeks, and we'll continue with bed rest for another week, too, but it's comforting to know that we've gotten this far. You know, last week I'd briefly thought about asking for prayers that baby would be content to keep growing and not make an early arrival, but something felt not quite right about asking for that. Not because I don't think we could use your prayers, but because I really believe that God already knows the exact moment that this baby will be born, and the exact amount that this baby will weigh. If He knows these things, do I really need to be concerned about them? While I've been tempted at times to worry and stress and try to plan and influence and control, I've been trying really hard to remember Who has dominion over all.

And then I came across these words:

"Every time fear freezes and worry writhes, every time I surrender to stress, aren't I advertising the unreliability of God? That I really don't believe? But if I'm grateful to the Bridge Builder for the crossing of a million strong bridges, thankful for a million faithful moments, my life speaks my beliefs and I trust Him again. I fearlessly cross the next bridge" (Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts, p. 151).

I don't for one second believe God to be unreliable.
I don't for one second believe Him to be unfaithful.

And so, while we walk this bridge between preterm labor and safe, healthy birth, I want to do so with a smile on my face and with no worry in my heart. I want to do it content in the knowledge that I, along with baby, are being held in the hands of One who knows so much more about love than I ever will. And what is there to fear in the hands of Love Himself?

And so, just as I did when we sat in the ER twenty-six weeks ago, I'll rest on this truth: The Lord works out everything to its proper end (Proverbs 16:4a NIV, emphasis added).

Would you give thanks with us? Thanks that God has carried us so lovingly during this time, and thanks that in Him, we have nothing to fear? I am so grateful that we can rest instead in thanksgiving, trust, and rejoicing. What a beautiful place to be...

31 Weeks

First, last week's photo:

30 Weeks

(Side note: Mamas, you know that one pregnant photo where you suddenly realize that you've gained weight in your face, too? Yep, that was this photo for me. Such a lovely feeling, isn't it?)

And now yesterday, at 31 weeks:

This tree that James took us to (on Joint Base Pearl Harbor-Hickam) was huge:

This was right by the Aloha 'Aina Park, which we checked out after someone was done running around (and through!) the tree.

In front of (but technically behind) the missing man formation memorial.

Off toward the water to explore!

Today we got to check in on baby again, at our second-to-last out-of-home appointment with our midwife. We decided to drive to North Shore for this appointment (we usually go to her office in downtown Honolulu) to enjoy some pre-bedrest fun on another part of the island. After breakfast, we went to Haleiwa Beach Park to check things out. At first we just saw several surfers and many, many spectators (which was fun to watch), but no one swimming. After watching for awhile, a fellow active duty dad came over and told us where we could find a great place to swim around the corner. Not only was the water nice and calm, but there were dozens of turtles swimming all around, and several more basking in the sun on the beach! It was so crazy to be so close to them... Just amazing!

He finally decided it was okay to take the water route to the other side, after not wanting to go in at first.

Getting splashed, just one wave before the ocean tried to knock him over!

Time to head back to Daddy...

And back to check out the turtles one more time!

After James took this photo, AJ and I realized that there were numbers etched into this turtle's shell; he's # 748, if I remember right.

After our beach fun, we went over to Dr. Lori's for our afternoon appointment. Blood pressure is still good, and baby's heart rate was fluxuating between 125 and 140 bpm. Baby was head down, and Dr. Lori even showed me how to feel baby's head and back, which was so incredible! Baby's growth wasn't quite what we were hoping for though, since my belly was only measuring about 25-26 cm, but our midwife could feel that baby's definitely bigger than last time, so it's just something to keep an eye on. (That, and eat even more protein - specifically for breakfast and for lunch, rest more, and keep an eye on my water intake.) So, we'll go back to her office downtown in three weeks just for a quick check on baby's growth, and then Dr. Lori will be coming to our house for the rest of our appointments.

Looking back at the pregnancy journal I kept with AJ, I was measuring small then, too. Just before 36 weeks we were sent in for an ultrasound to check his growth, where they told us he was actually pretty big; he ended up being absolutely average at seven pounds on the dot. So, that's a little reminder to us to trust God and trust my body - and baby's - and everything will work out the way God intends. (With a little bit of heavy protein intake on the side.)

Home Study: Home Visit

Well, I've been trying really hard to convince myself not to go crazy about this home visit from our social worker - an essential part of the home study - and for an hour or two, it looked like I was on the brink of failure. I mean, honestly, if you looked into our backyard yesterday afternoon and saw me crouched down, cutting the edges of the grass with Fiskars scissors (Self Help had a waiting list for weed whackers, okay?), it definitely would have appeared that I was going crazy. But fortunately, my I-need-to-relax (read: lazy) side convinced me to sit and read and write a little after putting the boy to bed. I was transcribing sermon notes that were written on the back of (years-old) Bethel programs into a notebook, so of course I came across verse after verse that refocused my heart and my perspective. Finally, I got up to do the dishes. Then, the lightbulb moment: I didn't need to scrub the house until it shined so that our social worker could see how neat/tidy/organized/etc. we are. I needed to care for my home as I should always care for my home; our social worker shouldn't see a whole bunch of us when she comes into our home, anyway. She should see a whole bunch of Him. Thank You, Lord, for that bit of perfectly timed wisdom! And so, it was with (relative) calm that I prepared the house, as we usually do, for the following day.

The next morning AJ and I baked muffins for the friend who'd be coming over to hang out with him while Mama and Daddy had our meeting. (He was so excited to see that, according to the illustration on the package, we needed "eg-g" for our muffins! If it were up to him, I think there would have been at least one egg per muffin in the batter. Yum.) One sink-full of dishes, two sandwiches, and a few washcloths later, we were ready and waiting. And for all of our my thinking and wondering and grass-cutting, wouldn't you know that this was the calmest, almost mundane, no-big-deal visit there ever could be? That's right. No need to prepare at all! Our social worker and her intern just took a very quick tour of the house, glancing around the rooms (and not looking in the closets at all), stepped into the backyard for a peek around, then sat at our dining room table for a long question-and-answer session. Then, it was over. Now, we wait for her to write our home study and send it to us for our approval. This step should be completed by the end of the month!

And because there must be some pictures of the boy here, I leave you with the band-aid examining child:

He'd gotten his yellow fever vaccination early that same morning, so now he can officially go to Africa with us! (Side note: This boy, as usual, didn't even make a face when he got vaccinated. Nope, he was totally low-key about the whole thing!)

Research & Paperwork

We are most definitely in the research and paperwork stage of the adoption process at this point. And honestly? Even though so much responsibility falls on us to make sure that we obtain the correct documents and have them prepared in the correct way, this part of the process is wonderful. It is wonderful in that we are learning so much about the adoption process in general, so much about our future child's culture and country, and so much about faith. Even this very beginning part of our journey has us, as a family, closer to God than ever before. It is exhilarating, thrilling, encouraging, and all things fantastic. We are learning about faith through the stories of others, people like Katie Davis, whose own journey makes the fire in me burn brighter for our incredible God and His will for our lives. I can see so much beauty in this time of preparation, a time that would normally find me impatient and antsy to see progress and get to the next step. But here's the thing. Our God is so gracious that He is allowing me to see progress now. It's not the progress I would have normally looked for; it's not seen with my eye on the finish line. This progress is in the journey, in our journey with Him; it's our progress as a family, becoming just a little bit closer to what God intends for us to be. It is amazing, and I am so indescribably thankful that He is allowing me the privilege of seeing some of the fruit now.

In this thankful, celebratory spirit, here are a few photos from yesterday. First, "outtakes" from our announcement photo-taking:

 And us, ready to head off to our first home study appointment:

Here's to an incredible journey!